Kate has seven bridesmaids (the eighth will be too far into her pregnancy to travel) but doesn’t have a maid of honour. This is not because she is one mean bridezilla, reveling in the fact that our phones are bleeping constantly – forget leaving the Facebook Messenger or Whatsapp group; someone (usually the person located in a totally different time zone) will message me individually. Or because she’s looking forward to the amount of surprises in store for her because we all feel obliged to contribute (I have a flashmob dance as well as a speech to learn). It’s because she wants to make sure her nearest make the trip to Thailand and she doesn’t want to favouritise.
The thought of giving a speech makes my hands go cold and clammy. ‘It’ll be in front of friends,’ my mum said in an attempt to reassure me. Exactly. I don’t mind fouling up in front of a room full of strangers, but this will be my oldest and best friend’s wedding. And god knows the amount of times I’ve cringed at someone speaking into their paper or when they have said something toe-curlingly embarrassing.
So I have cast the net far and wide for the top 10 tips on how to give a speech to remember (for the right reasons):
- ‘Don’t stitch up the bride but leave the guests wanting to know more,’ the Trustafarian. He also advised ensuring the speech isn’t too long or too short: five to seven minutes is great.
- ‘Give your speech to the dog. And then, if you can, to a few dogs. Work your way up to a friend, maybe two friends,’ marketing guru Seth Godin. (Forget your local branch of Toastmasters then; head to your local dog shelter.)
- ‘Only talk about things you care about,’ Simon Sinek, author and motivational speaker. I guess he would recommend keeping it simple, too.
- ‘Down a glass of champers before you do it,’ Liz.
- ‘Think who your audience is and tailor the content,’ Plan B. He also advised using rhetorical questions, but sparingly.
- ‘Just picture Simon and Colin naked,’ also Liz, referring to two not-hot guests.
- ‘Go slow, relax and enjoy it,’ Eric (the current date; I haven’t yet discovered if he applies this philosophy in other areas of his life).
- ‘Learn the speech by heart,’ Louise. ‘You just have to practice, practice, practice.’
- ‘No, don’t do that in case you freeze and forget everything. It’s better to have cards with bullet points that you can refer to. It will sound more natural, too,’ Ruth.
- ‘You’re writing the speech?,’ my mum. I hope she meant she was expecting me to adlib (or to ‘speak from the heart’) rather than ask someone else to write the speech for me…
