‘How is it going with Mr S&M*?,’ my mum wanted to know, referring to Eric. Eric had just returned from a holiday. Before he left he said he’d send me some photos while he was away. The first was a view from his hotel room in Dubai. Sweet. Standard. A few days passed without a pic from his next stop, Tokyo. Meanwhile, he’d made a couple of new female Facebook friends.
‘Where is my pic of a sumo wrestling match, ramen bar or some crazy street fashion?’ I messaged. A photo arrived. It showed his friend holding his shirt open with a pool table in the background. On closer inspection, it was clear the friend was showing off red marks on his chest. To the left, a hand – with red-painted nails – held what looked like a red lollipop. It transpired that a stripper had scrawled on the friend’s chest with a marker pen. ‘What a strange choice of pic to send me,’ I said.
‘I was trying to share the high spirits,’ he replied. ‘Looks like I failed.’
Eric had previously warned me that the Scandinavians are like the Dutch, so I’ve signed up to a Dating the Dutch workshop through Meetup.com. I’m sure there’s a market for a Dating the Brits workshop for the boys, too, through which I can share the following tips:
- Organise the first date
In Northern Europe, women are more likely to make the first move. This doesn’t mean that we Brits let the men do the choosing; we flirt when we’re interested. But, ideally, we want the man to make the first move and suggest the date location, or to give a couple of bar options. If you leave it to us we might think it’s a gold digger test! - Be chivalrous
Walk on the side closest to the curb, open doors, help her with her coat, give her the seat with the best view, pay her compliments and get the bill. This may sound positively draconian to the more equal societies of Northern Europe; that we love being treated like a child or invalid, but we’re thinking more 50 Shades of Grey… - Apologise even when it’s not your fault
I’m referring to when you have to rearrange a date due to unforeseen circumstances. Otherwise we think we’re being casually dumped by text. - Get a little tactile
We’re talking a subtle brush of the hand; not Liz’ first date experience with an amorous Brazilian. In the end she bit his tongue! - Ignore the above
Unsurprisingly, studies have found that people living in countries with the highest levels of gender equality have the most satisfaction with their relationships and sex lives. You may also want to ignore the above if your British date doesn’t behave like a lady!
*Mr S&M aka Eric and I didn’t get past the fourth date.
