‘After John has made me come he asks whether or not I’m faking it’
I caught up with Liz and Natasha over a few watermelon martinis at Eclipse recently. I admitted how appallingly I’d behaved with Hot Danish because he had to take work home with him at the weekend – my excuse is that it was my time of the month. ‘You always work. All I do is cook crap meals for you,’ I ranted. ‘You promised to have sex with me last night.’ Then I complained that he put his friends before me, too. I was being ridiculous – he’d barely seen his friends for the last few months. Unsurprisingly he is planning on going away next month for the weekend when I’m on.
The only thing I had been accurate about … Read more →
She’d been feeling rather sick at the thought that the video was out there
The morning after the WLG moving-in party I wound up a doctor friend that her and her lawyer boyf’s antics for Just Dance 3 Autodance had been posted on YouTube. She was too gracious to refer to it immediately when she returned my message, but eventually admitted she’d been feeling rather sick at the thought that the video was out there. It took a bit of convincing that it had actually been deleted and her boyf emailed me later in the week to gently check. It was small payback for the fact that Kate made Hot Danish and I go next: how were we supposed to compete with those look-through-your-fingers moves? Surely my home-made pizzas – which gave a whole … Read more →
Do we all have the potential to turn psychotic when we’re spurned?
When I first met Hot Danish I was annoyed that the ex had furnished his flat.
She’d clearly found out that I’d moved in with him… She called HD’s office four times; she emailed him a list of the things she wanted (including White Company sheets and towels); and she informed him that she was coming over with some removal guys at 9am on the day of the big WLG moving-in party that HD was throwing for me. ‘I offered to sort out the removal and I said she couldn’t come in,’ HD said. ‘I know you don’t want to hear it.’ Admittedly I was feeling a little smug about the ‘smart, rich’ ex.
She reminded me of the (smart, … Read more →
‘I’m on the guest list,’ I replied. The girl rolled her eyes
‘It’s £10,’ the girl snapped at me from behind her lectern at the top of the stairs at Floridita.
‘I’m on the guest list,’ I replied. The girl rolled her eyes.
There have been numerous times when Hot Danish and I have suffered short shrift or just plain rudeness while out on a date: the waiter at Crazy Homies who demanded to know if we’d return if he gave us a free shot when I complained about his service (‘No and I won’t be recommending here to anyone else either,’ was HD’s quick reply); the cab driver who mocked HD’s choice for our second date because he wasn’t sure of the address (‘I’ve never heard of it. It isn’t exactly … Read more →
I had prepared him: he might be offered a spliff before a cup of tea by my mum
‘What shall I wear?’ Hot Danish asked. We were getting ready to visit my family on the Easter Monday. I had prepared him: he might be offered a spliff before a cup of tea by my mum; my nine-year-old nephew would talk at him non-stop; and the sister-in-law whinges a lot.
When we arrived at the restaurant, mum looked a little tipsy. My nine-year-old nephew told HD that my ex was fat. My sister-in-law struggled to choose what to order; she’d given up on the cabbage soup diet but seemed to be avoiding food altogether. Lunch, a few glasses of wine and an Irish coffee later, mum invited us back to hers. The hash/grass/whatever was brought out and mum asked … Read more →
‘Moving in with HD is a good commercial move for you, however you dress it up as romantic and impulsive’
‘Have you sacked the cleaner yet?’ one of Hot Danish’s colleagues asked when he told him that the girlfriend was moving in (I’m pretty sure the same guy asked if I had a webcam when HD said what I did for a living). The response from my friends has been mixed, from ‘Congratulations’ (Monique, Louise, Natasha among them) and ‘Go and have lots of children and live happily, but do me a favour: whatever happens grow old disgracefully with dignity’ (The Gentleman) to the cheeky, ‘You defector [because I’m moving from Notting Hill to South Ken]…’
I am sad to be leaving my hood after eight years and my little studio after two years. I’m struggling to part with my … Read more →
