‘Do you fancy going shopping with me in the RLD this weekend?’ I asked Jess.
‘Oh yes, I need a new vibrator. Mine packed up on me last week. I was quite cross – it gave up on me without any warning.’
I messaged another friend who had researched toys prior to her last visit to see me in Amsterdam, asking for her verdict. ‘I recommend a LELO – it’s quiet and gets the job done.’ I gave Plan B an update.
‘Don’t you want more than the job? A big pink rabbit contorting like a trapped eel, with waggly ears, rotating pearls and a separate industrial battery pack?’ he replied.
‘That sounds like it would stretch me out like a baby’s head,’ I said.
‘I have had a couple of those rabbits,’ Jess confessed. ‘Terrifying but effective.’ She was, however, tempted by the fact that Lelo’s bestseller comes with a 10-year quality guarantee.
I wasn’t sure I could hold out until the weekend. ‘What’s your view on NSA sex?’ I messaged Eric. (He later admitted he had to look up NSA; apparently there’s an app for it.) ‘Why don’t we grab dinner then?’ he responded.
‘That’s not NSA!’
‘If you’re suggesting a one-off, I’m not into that.’ He wasn’t looking for a relationship either so I asked him what he wanted. ‘I don’t know. I like being alone a lot of the time. A few days I miss someone. I had a good time with you.’
‘Was the sex worth the hassle?’ Harry asked during our post-mortem catch-up.
‘He warned me to manage my expectations beforehand…’
‘What is wrong with this guy? Back yourself in all situations! On the other hand that could be quite a good tactic – were you overwhelmed?’
‘He said it was because he had masturbated a lot that day,’ I continued.
‘That is horrible. If anything that should make him a better performer.’
‘The post-coital bliss was rather undermined by the fact that he admitted he was on Tinder with the aim of getting 1,000 matches.’
‘Is he 13 years old, on MySpace circa 2005?’
