Hot Danish placed his rubbish on the table. A step to the left and he could have put it in the bin. But he didn’t. So I picked it up and put it in the bin. The next day I returned home from work to find the freshly laundered bath mat covered in muddy footprints and crumpled on the bathroom floor along with a bath towel. I called Monique in despair. ‘Perhaps you should sit down and discuss this with him,’ she said.
‘I’ve tried.’
‘Perhaps you should give him your non negotiables and he might have some of his own…’
‘Such as?’
‘Perhaps he doesn’t like where you leave your comb.’
‘I suppose he complains that I tidy it away because he prefers mine to his own,’ I sighed. Monique thought some more…
‘Why don’t you post some house rules on the fridge?’ This was a good idea; HD is a fan of lists. He’s also a fan of agreements. Afterwards, Monique emailed me a few suggested penalties.
‘I think he’d be more concerned about not having dinner made for him than foregoing sex,’ I said after looking at her list.
‘You’d better change the order then,’ she replied. I emailed HD my Word document:
‘This Is Not A Hotel’ House Rules:
1) Whoever is last out of bed makes the bed and pulls the blinds up
2) Rubbish goes in the bin
3) Bath mat and towels are returned after use
4) Dirty clothes go in the washing basket
In the event of any of the above rules being broken at any time, the rule-breaker must make amends by cooking dinner for the cohabitee or by taking the cohabitee out for dinner.
These are the fines for the following infractions:
- Bath towel on floor: no dinner
- Lavatory seat up: no **** ***
- Stubble in the wash hand basin: no sex
Cohabitee 1 name (Print or Type):
Signature:
Date:
Cohabitee 2 name (Print or Type):
Signature:
Date:
ENDS.
HD responded with ‘Ha ha ha’ and ‘X x x’ before finally saying, ‘I’ll never sign that.’
