Hot Danish and I had two big fall-outs in a week. The first was on Friday: he arrived late for dinner at The Cadogan Hotel Restaurant; he was on his phone while we ordered and then accidentally knocked wine over me – the glass rolled off my lap and shattered on the floor. ‘I was doing so well until then,’ he said.
‘No, you weren’t,’ I replied. He looked away. ‘Do you want dessert?’ I continued. No response. ‘Are you ignoring me?’
‘Well you started it,’ he said. When we got home, HD fell asleep on the sofa while I was making tea. I texted Plan B with the details of the disastrous date. ‘Brilliant! I’ve just been on a date with a real dog,’ he replied. A few seconds later another text came through, revealing a picture of a brown Labrador. At around 3am, HD work up, got into bed and apologised. But I hadn’t slept and I was angry: a row ensued.
Plan B phoned the next morning, asking if we’d sorted things out. I gave him a brief run-down of our silly row, which had culminated in Hot Danish throwing an ironing board across the room. ‘Did he throw it at you like a spear, or perhaps like a surfer throwing his board over a wave?,’ he asked. ‘And did you kiss and make-up afterwards?’
‘Yes, and I expect the poor neighbours heard the whole episode through our paper-thin walls,’ I replied.
‘Sometimes I miss being in a relationship because of the opportunities it gives you to let off steam,’ he sighed.
On Tuesday I returned from the Savoir Beds’ Girl Panic! party tipsy. During the proceeding row I grabbed a bottle of Pouilly-Fumé from the fridge, pulled the cork out and stormed over to HD, ‘How about I pour wine all over you like you did to me?’ I poured some over his left shoulder.
‘That is unacceptable,’ he said before changing out of his suit and leaving the flat. I phoned Kate in tears.
‘The difference between men and women is that men think before they act,’ HD remarked the next day.
‘That’s because men are physically stronger so they have to,’ I agreed.
‘I thought about emptying the rest of the bottle in the bed and booking into a hotel,’ he continued. ‘But that was a bit too harsh so I thought about pouring it on the floor for you to clear up but then I thought that there would be no point as you’d just leave it. What would you have done if I’d poured wine over you?’
‘I’d have preferred it to you walking out.’
A few days later I caught up with Natasha and Liz over dinner at Fifth Floor. ‘I hope you don’t mind me saying but you seem to be arguing a lot. I’m exactly the same though and have rowed frequently in every relationship, so it seems normal to me,’ Natasha said after I gave them an update.
‘I argue with John a lot,’ Liz said. ‘He says he loves our “turbulence”. When I stopped arguing with my ex I knew the passion had gone.’
‘Give me drama every time,’ Natasha agreed.
