Wine Writer asked how the date with The Body went during dinner at Hakkasan (Mayfair). I mentioned The Body’s question about my best/worst sexual experiences and my concern about the affect the blog is having on a potential date’s perception of me. ‘I think you should write more about the actual sex,’ was his reply. ‘That’s what people are really interested in.’
But who seriously wants to hear about best sexual experiences? It is like talking about your kids, your dreams or work: boring. We want to squirm and laugh; not hear someone showing off. Or, to quote Plato: ‘As empty vessels make the loudest sound, so they that have the least wit are the greatest blabbers.’ So here are some more awkward moments – that did not all happen in 2011, by the way…
Or what I’ve learnt:
- Fantasies are fantasies for a reason. The gangster’s moll role-play with a gun was a disaster. The gag was too tight so I couldn’t have felt less sexy. And when the guy said it was my turn I realised just how awkward he must have felt.
- Don’t have sex at the parents’ house. Or even on holiday in the afternoon when you’re staying in a separate villa.
- It might be dark but there are cameras overlooking outdoor pools. And they do get checked regularly.
- It’s probably not a good idea to have sex in the bathroom when you’re drunk. A then-boyfriend once slipped and cut his penis on the edge of the sink. In a panic I phoned a trainee nurse friend who advised putting a plaster on it. Worryingly, she is now working as a qualified nurse.
- Another reason to avoid bathrooms: I once caught a then-boyf checking himself out in the mirror. Mid-sex.
- This one is for a particular ex: telling the friendly neighbours about the time I peed on you probably didn’t give the right impression. Or saying that you fancied me so much that you would eat my sh*t.
- Most clichés are true. Variety is the spice of life and size matters.
- Everything in moderation. One word for too much of anything: Ouch.
- Some guys have hang-ups about their body/performance no matter how fit they are and that does affect how much fun you’ll have.
- If you don’t ask, you might not get.
- You might ask and still not get.
