I have come to the conclusion that a man’s ideal holiday includes three things: sex, food and a lie-in. An ideal day on an ideal holiday starts at 11am (just before the hotel stops serving breakfast); a leisurely breakfast; leaving the hotel room for an hour or two while it is being cleaned; a long lunch; an afternoon lie-down/sex; drinks at 5pm followed by dinner and bed.

By the seventh day of being woken up at 8am or 9am by a fidgety girlfriend, Hot Danish was annoyed. Our Italian trip concluded in Siena and I had imagined a romantic stroll around Il Campo. It was hot; the streets were thronged with tourists; HD was hungover. ‘I would rather spend the last day relaxing by the pool than climbing a load of steps to see silly monuments,’ HD moaned, gazing up at the Torre del Mangia tower as we approached the red Palazzo Pubblico. A row ensued. It wasn’t the way either of us wanted to end our trip.

We’d combined the holiday with a wedding. HD had met the couple through his ex. During the car journey to the hotel wedding venue HD told me a story of the ex losing her temper in front of his friends. I started to imagine her causing a scene after the wedding breakfast when everyone had had a few drinks…

As we sat at the hotel bar, glamorous ladies in cocktail dresses and with perfectly styled hair sashayed past us. ‘There’s my ex,’ HD nodded and I caught a glimpse of a long red dress. After the ceremony, someone introduced herself. ‘Sorry, I didn’t catch your name?’ I asked, taking her hand. I’d imagined the ex to be a tall, striking brunette with a handsome man on her arm, but here she was: petite, understated and without a man. She slunk off early after the wedding breakfast and I overheard her explain to the bride the next morning that she’d left early because the champagne had gone to her head. I suddenly realised how difficult the situation must have been for her yet she’d acted with perfect manners. In a similar situation, I would have at least brought along a very good looking gay friend.