‘This isn’t funny,’ Hot Danish said as I laughed at him prancing around on the sand while we tried to locate our villa. ‘This sand is f***ing hot – it really hurts.’ He was struggling with the ‘barefoot luxury’ accommodation in Phi Phi Island. He thought the ‘architect-designed villas, inspired by a traditional Thai village’ were more like an overpriced backpacker’s hovel. Its eco credentials included a ‘crap shower’ (I had to agree with him on that point), while the on-site waste management (which smelt awful) offered mosquito Nirvana. Then he discovered there wasn’t a gym. ‘I’m surprised they didn’t point at the sea to show me my authentic Thai gym,’ he said without a hint of a smile.

Other guests were more appreciative. A young Austrian couple loved their villa and were thrilled by the breakfast variety (HD and I both agreed the restaurant and spa were top-notch although HD couldn’t help but say, ‘God forbid they ever stay at a Four Seasons’).
‘I found that hotel too luxurious,’ an Australian woman told us later at a nearby independent bar located on the beach.

‘I’ve seen everything,’ the Scottish barman said. ‘A lot of people reinvent themselves while they’re on holiday. They wear Armani,’ he continued, pointing at HD’s Rag & Bone T-shirt. ‘And pretend they’re richer than they are. But I see through it.’ By our second drink the barman was telling us how he was once worth £30m – as a drug dealer.

I guess you don’t need to be on holiday to reinvent yourself but the quickest way to find out what a holidaymaker is really like is to ask where s/he is staying and what s/he thinks of it…