There’s a lot you can do with a pompous email. An email gives you time to consider your response or you can circulate it through social media.
For stand-up material, a comedian friend uses an email he received from an opera singer with the same name but who considers himself more famous and thus, more entitled to the comedian’s website domain. The comedian ridicules the opera singer’s roll call of global capital cities he’s performed at with his own list of obscure Dutch towns.
Yesterday, I received a bullet point email which was signed off by ‘Lt Col (Retd) John M****** MBA BSc(Eng) CEng MIET’. Apparently this was to prove he had more letters after his name than the independent surveyor who’d found the obvious leak in my roof which all the other share of freeholders (who were also copied into his email) are denying exists.
However, when an acquaintance saw a friend’s engagement ring for the first time and said, ‘You could always trade up,’ my friend was too stunned to respond. So for future reference, here are some stock answers for those rare occasions you run into the wrong person…
- Are you still working there?
Why change a winning formula! - How old are you?
Older than I look. - You can’t be English (you don’t have bad teeth/look like a pug dog).
D-O Y-O-U S-P-E-A-K E-N-G-L-I-S-H? - Why are you still single?
Aren’t I lucky! - Why don’t you want kids?
‘Having it all’ doesn’t mean ‘having children.’ (Or a line from my childfree choice blog)
So how did I respond to Lt Col (Retd) John M****** MBA BSc(Eng) CEng MIET’s email? I was tempted to reply with some bullet points to rival his (his LinkedIn profile offered a rich source of material), but I contacted a solicitor instead. Sometimes you just have to call in a professional.
