Wednesday’s date with Plan B had gone badly. He was close to 20 minutes late (again). Halfway through the meal he said he supposed he should see me on Friday, which he might have got away with as a tongue-in-cheek joke if he hadn’t followed it up with, ‘That wasn’t romantic, was it?’ The final straw came when I brought up going away on a break. ‘It’s too early,’ was the swift reply. By the time he walked me home I was feeling a little queasy. The meal had been too rich. I said a quick goodnight before heading to the bathroom.
The next day I emailed the Gentleman for advice. He confirmed my thoughts: ‘Dump him just as you dumped the dinner. Life is for passion and romance. If it isn’t on the menu, change restaurant.’
‘Can we meet somewhere crowded in case you flip out and try to kill me?’ We both knew where the relationship was heading. I chose a suitably crowded and noisy pub, The Westbourne.
‘You look gorgeous.’
‘Sorry?’
‘They only have Gordon’s.’ I’d clearly misheard.
Before we’d finished our first drink we’d agreed to try to just be friends. He asked me about my man checklist, which I’d recently found while cleaning. He ticked everything, including coming from a normal family – his was like a Kellogg’s advert. He and his sister actually used to throw themselves on their parents’ bed in the mornings. ‘On paper I’m perfect,’ he said.
‘Did my list surprise you?’ I asked.
‘Because it wasn’t full of money and status?’
‘I think you think I’m high maintenance…’
‘Nonsense. You’re just set in your ways. As am I.’
The next day he sent a link to an AQ [autism-spectrum quotient] test he’d found on Wired online. I’d mentioned that a friend of mine who he’d met during the comedy night had asked if he had Asperger Syndrome after observing his behaviour in our social group. She should know: her sister has it. The average score in the control group for the AQ test had been 16.4 while 80 percent of those diagnosed with autism or a related disorder scored 32 or higher. I scored a lowly 10 (I’d once asked my mum if I was oversensitive. ‘There’s nothing wrong with being oversensitive,’ she’d replied). Plan B scored 26.
