A few of my friends were curious about the identity of TV Presenter. Wine Writer sent a list of possibilities. ‘I got them off Wikipedia so I don’t know who half the list are – the ones who are alive, that is,’ he added when I sent him the revised list which the Gentleman had thoughtfully amended with his sage advice on who among them I should and definitely shouldn’t consider dating.
Simon Amstell – Way too acerbic for your delicate nature
Clive Anderson – Not enough hair and too small
Eamonn Andrews – I thought he was dead
Michael Aspel – He is dead, isn’t he?
David Attenborough – Well, almost dead
Raymond Baxter – If not dead certainly incontinent
Adam Boulton – He’s older than the Gentleman and is on Sky; that would be eating way below the salt
Melvyn Bragg – Possible, but so wrinkly
James Burke – It’s in the name
Jeremy Clarkson – Good choice
Benjamin Cohen – Even Google does not know who he is
Dan (Daybreak) – His cousin Dan Dare would be better
Angus Deayton – Oh come on, hookers a gogo
David Dickinson – The living dead
David Dimbleby – Smart but not a very good accessory
Richard Dimbleby – Again, see above comment
Declan Donnelly of Ant & Dec – A bit like going to Asda; one would expect two for the price of one
Brian Dowling – Charming but gay
Bruce Forsyth – Men with bad wigs are definitely not for you
David Frost – OK, but those teeth
Hughie Green – Now I know he is dead; I went to his funeral
Richard Hammond –Too small and the housewife’s choice
Tony Hart – Good call, but he too is dead.
Eamonn Holmes – TOOOO fat
Peter Jay – Plenty to keep you warm through the winter
Vernon Kay – Tall, good looking and has a wife that looks like you
Lorraine Kelly – This is a video I would not mind having, but she is a woman
Matthew Kelly – Beard
John Leslie – Pretty sure he is in prison
Magnus Magnusson – Come on
James May – Charming but will play with Lego when it is time for bed
George McGavin – Again, BEARD!
Anthony McPartlin of Ant & Dec – Again, way too small
Jonathan Miller – Smart but there is less crack on an aged stilton
Nigel Mitchell – Just bland
Patrick Moore – Excellent choice. Close to death, but hey, the headlines would be brilliant
Dermot O’Leary – Big possible but married
Nick Owen – Would hardly go with those Louboutins
Michael Parkinson – I know he is not dead, but it would be the same
Christopher Parker – He’s about 12
Jeremy Paxman – Possible
Robin Ray – Not famous enough
Tony Robinson – Excellent choice but you will have to trade in your designer wear for wellie wear
Mark Rumble – Never heard of him
Jonathan Ross – Yes, but also married with loads of kids and dogs.
Please consider one of these from this multiple choice before proceeding: Dead/gay/married/badly dressed/bald:
Jon Snow
Peter Snow
Chris Tarrant
That financial one (off Sky)
That sporty one that does the tennis
Jamie Theakston
Johnny Vaughan
David Vine
Jeremy Vine
Alan Whicker
Dale Winton
Terry Wogan
Paul BW Chaplin.
