The Gentleman had wished me luck as I stepped into the world of online dating. He knew I needed it. His own experience includes a performance artist who set fire to her body for art, ‘No, it wasn’t a hot date,’ he assured me.

To find out just how I was progressing, the Gentleman sent me his version of a customer feedback form:

As a valued customer to our dating service we hope you are finding your enormous financial investment of value.

And yes we value you.

In an effort to keep improving our wonderful life-changing service and potentially making you happy, we hope you can spare two minutes of your time to give us some feedback on your experience so far…

1/ Have you found:
A) A world of possibilities and potential
B) Love
C) Luv
D) Lust
E) The meaning of life

2/ What level of written romantic endeavour have your contacts put into their approaches to you:
A) Mr Men
B) Beano
C) FHM
D) The Guardian
E) Shakespearean
F) Biblical

3/ Having met some of your dates would you say their profile pictures are a close facsimile:
A) Exactly the same – except bald
B) Five years out – the hair transplant did not work
C) Ten years out – but still wearing the same fashion
D) Twenty years out – wrinkles are so in this year
E) Thirty years out – Viagra will help
F) Fifty years out – even Viagra won’t help
G) Was a different: person (  ) Sex (  ).

4/ Do you think your dates matched up to their written profiles:
A) Lovingly true
B) Love is blind
C) Must have been written by his mother
D) Was in prison
E) Did not have a Ferrari, villa in St Tropez, Learjet, loads of money, or similar
F) Had a wife (  ) Had two wives (  ) Was in a same sex civil partnership (  )

5/ On your date, when the bill came did he:
A) Pay the whole bill
B) Go Dutch and split the bill
C) Make you pay
D) Borrow the money off you
E) Mug you
F) Do a  runner

6/ How would you best describe the attitude of your friends to your being on a dating site:
A) Modern approach for a modern girl
B) Sad and lonely
C) Desperate
D) One step away from prostitution
E) A means to getting stalked
F) A means to becoming a stalker

7/ What do you think your date was looking for:
A) A mate
B) A wife
C) A mother
D) To get laid
E) His next victim
F) The exit

8/ How did they behave:
A) Gentlemanly
B) Drunk
B) Creepy
D) Fell asleep
E) Got off with the waitress
F) Over interested in your shoes

9/ After your date did you:
A) Call a friend excitedly
B) Call your mother for advice
C) Call and book a church
D) Call the police
E) Change your number

10/ Have you tried any of these other popular dating services:
A) All you need is love.com
B) RussianLovers.com
C) Cougars-Den.com
D) HunksAreUs.com
E) I-Am-Rich-and-Need-an-Entry-Visa.nigeria
F) BeGayforaDay.com

11/ Would you recommend our dating service to:
A) A friend
B) An enemy
C) Your mother
D) Your boss
E) Your husband

Thank you for your time and we at GSM hope you find:
A) True love
B) A close and mutual friendship
C) Someone who understands your unique needs
D) Someone you can dominate and belittle
E) Someone to stalk
F) Another victim to add to the men you have locked in your cellar