Mirabeau en Provence rose wine, from £9.99, Waitrose and other selected outlets
Get pleasantly pissed with mummy over this lovely dry rose in the palest of pinks, as you recall glorious pre-Brexit villa holidays in the South of France, and will the English summer not to be too evil this year.
Ladurée A6 notebook set, £10.99
A pretty trio of jotters, individually patterned with flowers, macaroons, kittens and puppies. If mum is partial to none of these, why on earth are you buying her a present in the first place? Some people are never satisfied, and you’ve been on a downward trajectory, self-esteem-wise, since you were born, my friend. Get rid.
Lola & Gilbert London ‘Baby crap – I used to be fun’ tote bag, £17
One for Chelsea and Notting Hill yummy mummies who’ve sprung back to pre-baby weight with astonishing ease (read: starvation, personal training and hot yoga).
‘Oh, but you’re still fun,’ lie the sycophantic friends—and toyboy trainers who want to see what shagging a MILF is really like.
Amalfi scented candle, £26
Oh such a pretty candle. Just look at it. It smells damn good, too, with notes of mandarin, orange, lemon and pepper with sea notes, amber and cedarwood. Mum will think of you (or possibly her honeymoon with Dad) whenever she lights the wick.
Paper Whites peonies in honeycomb glass, £26
Because peonies in full bloom are the best flowers, bar none, and these delicately hued silk numbers will last a lot longer than the real ones, whose halcyon days are limited. Sad but true.
Ladurée Russian doll shopping bag, £23.50
Another shopping bag, but not because we associate our mothers with shopping. Oh no, this one is to do with her time in St Petersburg, fluency in Baltic languages and previous life smuggling drugs in matryoshka dolls. #CoolMummy
